Will Rogers
Having spent a decade looking for the candidate all those other
candidates are running against, I've finally found him! Today I bring you
an exclusive interview with Parker Nygreen, the politician whose
platforms are adamantly, fervently opposed by every other candidate for
every elected office in our area.
WR: Mr. Nygreen, you're running for every elected office
simultaneously. Please tell me about the differences between your
positions and those of all the other candidates.
PN: Ain't enough time, son. It would take days. I'm in favor of
irresponsible gun laws and coddling criminals, and I think the gas tax
should be doubled. That's just the tip of a big, ugly iceberg.
WR: May I guess how you feel about smaller class sizes in public
schools?
PN: Don't have to guess. I say we cram as many of the little critters
in a room as the fire marshal will let us. I'm embarrassed California is
49th in the US for per pupil spending. Why should this great state should
come so close, then fall short? I think we gotta be 50th, and if they
count Puerto Rico, we should claw our way to 51st.
WR: These are pretty daring stands. Most candidates tell us they want
smaller government. What about you?
PN: We always want to help business grow, and government is a
business. Look at how many have careers in government. It's gotta be
bigger. MUCH bigger.
WR: It's a relief to hear you express these opinions. As you may know,
I've complained that all candidates claim strong, dedication to
principles that I've always thought only an idiot could disagree with.
PN: Well, I'm your idiot. Your Republican and your Democrat drones say
they're anti-crime. But I'm all for it. What other kind of work can a
criminal get? All candidates want to save Social Security, but I'm the
only one with the stones to demand we nab that cash to help people other
than geezers who studies show already have the most disposable income.
WR: Some of these positions go beyond bold, perhaps into the realm of
reckless and cruel.
PN: That's just how it seems to someone who hears all them other
candidates making promises. Take health care. Find me a character in any
party running for any office who doesn't say health care is a top
priority. But they all been sayin' that for years, and not one of 'em
actually does anything. I'm just bein' more up front.
WR: I have to ask, what's your position on fixing health care?
PN: I don't have a clue. No freaking idea. I could make up all sorts
