Take, for example, this sentence, which is based on one I came across recently while copy editing.
“While not all can (or should) attempt to pull off a leather-and-sequin micro-mini skirt coupled with handkerchief top à la Carrie Bradshaw, the recent importance of immense nightclub influences in the fashion industry is too major to be ignored.”
When you see a soul-dead sentence like this, you may get mad. But it’s better to get even. All you need is a few simple tools and a little bit of righteous bloodlust on behalf of the written word.
Your most important tool is a basic knowledge of clauses. A clause is a unit that usually contains both a subject and a verb — “Betty ran.” In a sentence, it can be accessorized with a lot of other elements. “Betty ran fast in the direction of Dead Ned with her best zombie-bashing baseball bat in hand.”
Our zombie sentence has two main clauses, one that begins with “while,” making it something called a subordinate clause, and one that begins with “the recent importance.” That’s all you need to know in order to strike your first blow. Chop out the “while,” then your subordinate clause becomes an independent clause, which can stand on its own as a sentence. Now you can cut the zombie sentence into two manageable sentences.
“Not all can (or should) attempt to pull off a leather-and-sequin micro-mini skirt coupled with handkerchief top à la Carrie Bradshaw. But the recent importance of immense nightclub influences in the fashion industry is too major to be ignored.”
