Small Wonders: The Father knows best

May 27, 2011|By Patrick Caneday

I know I’m a week late, but I just had to chime in on the Rapture. Big disappointment, eh?

I bring it up after the fact because, well, what if Old Harold was right? Hey, the Centers for Disease Control released their zombie apocalypse-preparedness tips before the big day. Maybe they knew more than we did. But Harold Camping sure didn’t.

As proof that the world's latest apocalyptic prognosticator has apparently lost all semblance of the Christian humility he’s supposed to embody, Harold refused to admit he was wrong about his Rapture date. He's now set a new date, this time for the end of the world: Oct. 21, 2011.


I just hope against hope that this column is the last shred of newspaper or computer screen that gives him any more free advertising. But I’m sure I’ll be disappointed.

I enjoyed the ribald posts on Facebook and in comment threads after every news story leading up to the May 21 deadline. I had some fun myself comparing Harold to that creepy doomsday preacher in “Poltergeist 2” — striking similarity.

But, I feel compelled to set records straight for those unfamiliar with biblical events. He predicted the Rapture, not doomsday. The Rapture is when those who profess belief in Jesus as savior are lifted up to heaven. Don't believe, and be left behind (hey, someone should write that book. Someone who can actually write, though).

Then comes the Tribulation, when pagans and tax cheats and anyone who is not a Republican spend a few years suffering on Earth — constant cable outages, bad cell service, reruns of “Jersey Shore,” but worse. Then Judgment. That’s lights out.

So since Harold is apparently incapable of it, as a churchgoer let me be the first to say this to everyone who does not subscribe to the same newsletter that I do:

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that a member of my family — albeit a random cousin from a clan we don't like to talk about — has made such an enormous ass of himself. And us.

My family is big. It includes Catholics, Baptists, Presbyterians, Born-Agains, Progressives and other varietals. We can't be responsible for the outlandish actions of everyone. But I do feel terrible for what Harold did. He's the kind of guy that gives us all a bad name; makes it hard for any of us to be taken seriously.

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