Small Wonders: A few things he just doesn't get

July 15, 2011|By Patrick Caneday

Things I simply just don’t get: So, the last Harry Potter movie just came out.

Spoiler Alert: J.K. Rowling is a gazillionaire.

And leading up to the release was a gauntlet of publicity about the middle-aged actors pretending to be 17-year-old wizards for the last time. Most notable was the overwhelming amount of attention given Emma Watson, who plays Hermione in the series. Relentless stories on every entertainment and tabloid website about her haircut, her career and her college choices.

I vaguely understand the media's fascination with Jennifer Anniston, Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan. I don't condone it, just kinda get it in a sexy, train-wreck kind of way


But Emma Watson? Really? Why?

I will never know, though you are welcome to explain it to me. But this has led me to contemplate the very many things that…

I simply just don’t get:

The Shake Weight — that exercise gadget resembling a spring-loaded barbell. Hold on tight, shake vigorously in a motion made popular by construction workers “appreciating” a pretty lady, and watch your muscle grow. Sure, it may be great exercise. But how are you able to use it without laughing at how ridiculous you look?

Why no one has told Steve Jobs that long-sleeved black mock turtlenecks went out of style in 1989? I had them too. But I stopped wearing them this millennium, along with my embroidered paisley vests.

Why Joel Osteen blinks so much. I get the fascination with him, and why he draws 40,000 people to his church each week, and why everything he publishes is a best seller. But how can he see God with his eyes closed most of the time?

Rice cakes.

White zinfandel. It is the castoff, leftover juice cheap winemakers rinse out of the vat like a bartender’s mat when they are done making normal wine. With sugar added. Either drink rose if you want pink wine, or just get wine coolers. There is no such thing as a white zinfandel grape.

Liver. In any form, from any animal, produced under any conditions, in any country, at any price.

Why successful politicians jeopardize their marriages, families, careers and the sweetest possible healthcare plan on the planet to tweet locker room pictures of themselves to strangers, or to shtoop the maid.

Any so-called “professional” wrestling that does not take place every four years and is rewarded with nothing more than gold, silver and bronze medals.

Why “Taxi” was ever taken off the air.

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