Unclassified Info: The news and a Goodwill coincidence

I was at a sales meeting last week, which put me far enough from Glendale to keep me away from the local news. Sure, I could have gone online and checked out the goings-on. But had I done so, I would have missed this morning’s online navigation of top stories, which included, “Indecent Exposure, Purse Snatching and Taylor Swift” — a veritable smorgasbord of comment-worthy news.

This week, it certainly proved to be fruitful to catch up all at once. In case you were out of town like me, here’s what went down:

Local residents reported seeing a man masturbating in front of an apartment building. The guy was standing behind a fence, whistling at a woman, while he touched himself, which clearly makes him quite the multitasker.

Police are also searching for a man who pushed an 84-year-old woman and grabbed her purse as she walked to her apartment.

The thief was described as an adult man, wearing a black T-shirt, gray shorts and red socks. Evidently he needed the money to buy clothes that would accent his incredibly bizarre taste in fashion.

Interestingly, the biggest crime in Glendale last week wasn’t committed by a self-indulgent male, but rather by a diminutive woman disguised as a country music star. It seems I missed out on the opportunity to meet Taylor Swift and get my picture taken with her at the Americana — for the absurd sum of $106.50! Really? You needed the extra 50 cents?

Witnesses reported seeing Swift promoting her new fragrance, Wonderstruck. Victims of the crime received a wristband guaranteeing a meet-and-greet only after being conned into buying the perfume for $106.50. No word on whether Swift plans on releasing a follow-up bath water aptly named Flimflam.

It was nice to see the various ads, political cartoons and comments fondly remembering and honoring Larry Zarian. It’s nice to see that his good deeds got the full attention they deserved.

And finally, outside the eyes of the Glendale News-Press, I was snooping around the Goodwill store on Brand Boulevard looking for Halloween costume materials when I happened upon an incredible work of art painted by little old me.