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Unclassified Info: Here's the scoop with jolly old St. Nick

December 19, 2011|By Gary Huerta

A couple of weeks ago I was in the Glendale Galleria when I heard a little boy utter one of the most sinister phrases of the holiday: “There is no such thing as Santa Claus!”

As soon as I heard that terrible string of words, I knew I had to use my journalistic superpowers to stop the spread of this annual vicious rumor. This week's topic is for you parents with kids who are unsure what to believe. I urge you to make this column mandatory reading, because I pulled off a literary coup. I got an interview with the real Santa Claus. That's right, kids. The Big Man himself sat down for a little one-on-one chat.

It's not often that jolly old St. Nick grants the press access to his secret hideout up in the North Pole. In fact, in order to get there, I had to submit to being blindfolded throughout the five-minute trip. Evidently, Santa and his merry little band of elves have the ability to get anywhere in the world at near light speed, which would seem to explain how he manages to get from store to store before Christmas and house to house on the big night.

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I sat down with Santa in his office overlooking the toy factory assembly line. Outside his window, hundreds of thousands of elves were busy filling out orders from children all over the world.

Gary Huerta: Santa, I'm wondering how you are able to get everything delivered to all those kids in one night?

Santa Claus: A lot goes into it. Beyond the elves and the toys, I've got a legal team like you can't believe. I need licensing agreements from all the toy manufacturers. And God forbid if one of the reindeer decides to get temperamental on someone's property. It's a headache, but to see the looks on all those little faces makes it all worth it.

GH: I've always been curious why you use reindeer as you method of transportation?

SC: This isn't going to turn into an animal rights editorial, is it? I've been watching your city's Rose Parade float thing. What a fiasco! Lemme tell you, the reindeer are paid very well. They have medical and a nice retirement plan. Besides, I tried using other animals. Horses felt too “Wild, Wild, West.” Zebras? Way too flashy. Ostriches were amusing but had no sense of direction. Personally, I think reindeer make a nice statement.

GH: And the suit?

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