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Small Wonders: Kim Kardashian for mayor

April 27, 2012|By Patrick Caneday

Dear Kim,

I hear you want to run for mayor of my hometown, Glendale, California.

I'm sure by now you've discovered one doesn't “run for mayor” of Glendale. No. One first runs for City Council and then wins the annual intra-council rock-paper-scissors contest to become mayor. Or loses it. No one's really sure how it works.

Though I now live in neighboring Burbank, as a son of Glendale (a “Glendalian?”) I felt compelled to write and say this: Run, Kimmy! Run!

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At this moment, all nine of my readers are angrily sending nasty-grams asking if I've lost my mind. Maybe I have. But I welcome your ample, well-rounded assets occupying a chair in our local star chamber. No pun intended.

I admit, however, that my motives are not entirely unselfish. Your brand — er, family is one of my guilty pleasures. I'm not a fan of the K-shows, nor is my DVR set to record them. But I marvel at your faux-lebrity; I find it hard to change the channel when I see a Kardashian in her penthouse or mansion agonizing over what to wear to the photo shoot, who's pregnant and who's not, or which rapper/professional athlete is rumored to be next in line for speed dating.

We're all human.

Besides, bringing your special brand of sexy, personal drama to our little corner of the world would give this columnist a bountiful source of material. The possibility that you might repost this to your 8.5-million Facebook followers and 14-plus million Twitter-heads hasn't escaped me, either. Nothing would make me happier than to see this newspaper's website crash under the ensuing inundation of hits.

You like to be seen. I like to be read. I think we understand each other.

Glendale always has had a case of Los Angeles-envy. Becoming the first step on your catwalk to higher office may go far to satisfy those cravings. Not since the Mario Lopez fence-height scandal have feathers been this ruffled in our humble burg.

You see, unlike your detractors, Kim, I don't think you're unintelligent. I know you're smart. Everything you do is for the purpose of furthering your brand. You know exactly who you are, what you bring to the table and how to get what you want. You are as qualified for office as any other concerned Californian who wants to make a difference.

Frankly, after Arnold Schwarzenegger got elected — twice! — I pretty much gave up on the credibility of our voters anyway.

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