Small Wonders: Kim Kardashian for mayor

Wanting to be mayor of Glendale because “it's like Armenian Town,” as you put it, is a noble cause. But Glendale is so much more than that. We already have a respected history of Armenian representatives in local politics: Larry Zarian, Bob Yousefian, Rafi Manoukian and Ara Najarian, to name a few.

So if you're going to run, Kimmy, please consider a wider platform. Again, no pun intended.

Before you qualify, though, you'll need to establish residence and get to know us. I'm looking forward to bumping into you squeezing avocados for freshness at Whole Foods, noshing late-night after-party waffles at Conrad's, or getting your stiletto heels fixed at Zinke's Shoe Repair.

I know you like to shop. No doubt you've heard of our elegant, trend-setting fashion mall. People drive from all over SoCal to shop there. But if the Eagle Rock Plaza isn't up to your standards, you can always try the Americana on Brand. It's OK, too.

Haute cuisine, oui! Check out Mario's Deli — the house combo sub is the greatest sandwich you'll ever have — Big Jim's Donuts and, of course, Damon's Steak House. Just be careful with the mai tais at Damon's. One is not enough. Two is too many. Three is — not enough.

And I highly recommend Ernie's Barber Shop for your hairstyling needs.

If the wild life of Glendale ever gets to be too much, let me be the first to invite you next door to Burbank, the biggest small town in greater L.A. I'll buy you a slice of pie at the Cobalt Café, then we can take batting practice at the Batcade. But unless you like secondhand clothes, don't get your hopes up for couture shopping. Rumor is we have a decent mall in Burbank, but I've never seen it.

So do this story-starved local newspaper columnist a favor.

Run, Kim. Please run.

Not just for 30% of the population, but for all of us. Not just for the ratings. And not just to get a good seat at Carousel Restaurant. You've got a great seat no matter where you go.

OK, that pun was totally intended.

PATRICK CANEDAY is author of the book “Crooked Little Birdhouse.” Friend him on Facebook. Contact him at patrckcaneday@gmail.com. Read more at www.patrickcaneday.com.