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Small Wonders: Jumping into housing bubble 2.0

May 03, 2013|By Patrick Caneday

Dear Home Seller,

Thank you for allowing us in your home during yesterday's open house. Our Realtor suggested we include this personal letter with our bid to set us apart from the 83 other offers you're likely drooling over right now.

I'm supposed to tell you how thrilled we'd be to spend the better part of $1 million to be the next proud owner of your 1,200-square-foot, depression-era fixer-upper. We hope you find our bid of $75,000 over asking price pleasing.

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I fancy myself a writer, but I've got nothing on the wordsmith who drafted the listing for your "quaint California bungalow."

If "curb appeal" means planting primrose in that patch of abandoned earth that used to be a front lawn, then every flipped house in L.A. County has great curb appeal.

We truly admired the tile work throughout the house. Some lucky quarry owner paid off his second home thanks to you. Tile flooring on the walls and ceiling is going to be all the rage next year. Kudos for being fashion forward.

Not only do you have elegant taste, but a sense of humor, too. That "bonus room" that "could be used as a fourth bedroom" was hi-lar-i-ous! I'm no expert on building code, but a closet, four-plus square feet of floor space and airflow are usually minimum requirements for a bedroom.

We want to compliment you on the wall sconces, too. Some say gargoyles are a bad omen unless perched on a gothic cathedral. Not you. And the judicious use of Grecian columns to counterpoint the "vintage" mid-century cabinetry and Formica countertops in the kitchen? Tres chic!

Just loved what you did with the backyard, too. Who knew "going green" meant letting your lawn turn brown?

We've always dreamed of paying high six figures for a box on a busy street in a neighborhood "ripe" for gentrification. I'm sure we'll get used to the nearby airport traffic, fast-food drive-through across the alley and pit bull puppy farm next door.

We're so glad you took your agent's advice and listed your house extremely high, yet just low enough to create a feeding frenzy. We're honored to take part in Housing Bubble 2.0 since we missed out on the last one by being wise and not taking on a toxic mortgage in an overinflated housing market. Thankfully, with time comes desperation, so this time we're in it to win it.

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