Grammar

Most of the people who read this column do so because they enjoy learning about grammar, usage and style. Like me, they actually find the stuff interesting and useful. But now that I think about it: Why should they have all the fun? I mean, aren't I just discriminating against all of you out there who despise learning about grammar? When will it be your turn? Well today's your lucky day, all you disgruntled high-school students and Yale-educated leaders of the free world. Because today I offer you the best ammo ever in your battles to prove that English is nothing but a colossal pain in the fanny.

You are reading a grammar column. Fascinating. There are a number of possible explanations for this unusual behavior. Perhaps you?re waiting for the UPS man to arrive with your Amazon shipment of reading material that?s actually interesting. Perhaps this morning you replaced your regular coffee with Irish coffee, and somewhere around your fourth cup, decided that reading about grammar would be a ?!%&@ ! hoot.? But at a time when the stock market is starting to remind you of Calista Flockhart on Atkins and home values are starting to look like car values ?

Once upon a time, I used the word "wrong" as an adverb in a column. I wrote something like, "Be careful not to use 'whom' wrong." The next day, I received two e-mails, both scolding me for the exact same reason. I should have used "wrongly," the two readers said. "Wrong," they told me ? kid gloves off ? is an adjective. I needed an adverb, "wrongly," to modify the verb "use," they wrote. Both were shocked ? shocked, I tell you ? that a grammar columnist could be so ignorant about such an elementary concept.

As Americans, we love it when our choices come down to absolute extremes: black or white, right or wrong, good or bad. If we could, we'd categorize everything in terms of dog people vs. cat people, liberal vs. conservative, Rosie vs. Donald. I used to shun such distinctions, especially the idea that the population can be divided into cat people and dog people. Then I got four cats. Now I can say with 100% certainty that I'm a dog person. (Cat people are out of their minds. Take it from one who wakes up most mornings at 6 a.m. with razor-sharp claws kneading her collar bone amid a cloud of wicked tuna breath.

As you know, our current climate of political partisanship is beyond bitter. Democrats are blaming Republicans for perversion in Congress. Republicans are blaming Republicans for perversion in Congress. OK. Bad example. But it's true that partisanship is tearing our nation apart. This divisiveness is bad news for Americans, but good news for a lot of columnists, who get to make a name for themselves by making hay. And this columnist, for one, is sick of it. I want in. How, you're wondering, can a grammar columnist exploit the current political climate?